Assalamualaikum, salam sejahtera.
Have you read my older post? The Emotions blog post. Well, I guess this would be the continuation.
I was on my way to band practice as usual, with a slight panicky feeling because I overslept and came late. But nothing was out of the ordinary, so I went to take my eupho and did some buzzing exercises. Then we had sectionals and practiced songs for the upcoming nat comp. The songs were new to me and thus making it a new challenge for me to overcome. There were some tricky parts, especially the part where I had to buzz the D high note. I couldn't reach it ! Some pathetic junior I am. So I tried buzzing it a couple of times but my lips weren't into playing today. So I was left with just memorizing the fingerings for the songs and getting the rhythm right. And I want to apologize and thank my senior. He was ever so patient playing alone, knowing that this junior is slow in picking up new songs. Were you annoyed to have a junior like me?
After practice, we hanged out at the usual spot. Everyone was chit chatting away while I was sitting alone, staring blankly at the open school compound. Depression, guilt and stupidity hit me at the same time. I was thinking back about today's practice and was torturing myself with all those feelings. Then I asked my friend a question. The same question that I asked myself, why did you enter band? And her answer was always the same, because band is discipline and she wants to create a memorable high school experience. So I told her what was playing on my mind. And she said this to me :
"You're already half way through. Why not go for it and give a 100% rather than quitting and returning back to 0%?"
I was speechless. What she said is true. So far, I've managed to play some songs and have learned more about music besides during my violin class. I met new friends and experience new things everyday. But then again, I said to her, what is my reason? She said no matter what the reason is, just do it. You're already half way, why go back and start all over? And then she left, leaving me to my own thoughts.
So now, I am still questioning myself. Why am I burdening myself with this unnecessary question? I think my reason was pretty clear up until now but my mind keeps rejecting it and saying that it is a lousy reason.
-Why can't I be honest with myself?-
Nadia Kiyoshi ♥
