Assalamualaikum, salam sejahtera.
It's been a while since I blog about anything. Busy with band practice lately, comp just two weeks ahead. I'm dead nervous and excited >< I have to improve on my play + kawad skills. Got to drill myself to the max !
Since I've been busy with band, I've been so caught up with my own world that I neglected the world around me. I want to keep a connection with everyone but my body is just too tattered to accept all the hellos and smiles. My brain feels like it's engulfing itself just to keep my body functioning.
I've been hearing stories buzzing around about myself. You know how the wind carries truth and lies about oneself. And it all ended up spilling in front of me during dinner on Friday night. My mom picked us (me and my sister) up from school - I was out late again from band practice, so glad I wasn't rifled with the nagging. Once at home, we had dinner and I opened up about my sister's teacher saying she was a bit lazy in class. Then my sister went all touchy and said she listened in class, sent in all the teacher's homeworks, etc. Just to get even with myself and make myself feel the same pain, she said with a loud and clear voice - "Cikgu kata kaklong terlalu rajin sampai tak kisah pasal orang lain". Talk about adding fuel to the fire. DO YOU THINK I DON'T REALIZE THAT IMPERFECTION ABOUT MYSELF, YOU LITTLE WORM? And then my mom comes in and added more to her statement. This is when all the stories comes in, "Kawan adik kata kaklong tak senyum langsung bila bercakap. Pandang orang pun tak senyum." "Kaklong ni terlalu rajin sampai lupa pasal orang lain." . And I still remember a classmate of mine said - "You smiled !". Was I that serious looking? Did I not smile that much?
I'm not a socializer, ever since primary school. I started feeling insecure when people judge me by the looks, so I always hide behind my achievements. I was never confident about myself and started hating my own capabilities until now. Everything that I do is not good enough. I should at least give a pat in the back for my effort but I always end up punishing myself for the little mistakes I made. There's always this choking feeling in my throat, it's like I'm suffocating. At the end of the day, I always judge myself. Was I performing at my best today or was I still lousy?
To my friends, I'm sorry if I was ever so inconsiderate and unobservant. I'm sorry that I didn't make the effort to understand your pain and enjoy your achievements. I'm sorry that I ever made you feel like I'm your friend and abandon you alone with only consolations as company. I'm sorry that I half-heartily listened to what you said. I want to care about your feelings, your opinions, your life. But I don't know how to actually show it. I always end up keeping it to myself and running away. I want you to know, I care about you. And I hope that you too can feel that I care about you even if it is just a small dot.
Nadia Kiyoshi ♥
