Assalamualaikum, salam sejahtera
Originally, I didn't feel like writing tonight but I somehow had to let out my thoughts. Things have changed drastically for me this year. From school to friends to parents and myself. During those periods and right now, I'm having mixed emotions and thoughts. It's like I'm being slit by the throat.
Almost everyone asked, why did I join band? My friend would say because band has discipline and is awesome. But for me, truthfully I don't know why. I'm at a lost for words when they attack me with that question. And the only reply I can give is "adalah" or just smile back guiltily at them. Did I make the wrong decision? Was I too rash in letting go of PBSM before? Why am I so slow in picking up new things in band practices? Why am I joining band in the first place? WHY AM I ASKING MYSELF FOR REASONS?
I know this suffocating feeling, it means that I'm lying to myself. Lying so that I can make others feel happy. A good cause but I'm ruining myself. Sound self-centered? I know. But I've been doing this to myself often and it's getting worst by the minute. I want to make others feel proud of me but I'm not into the thing that I'm doing, I'm not enjoying it. Why am I not honest to myself? What do I really want actually? I don't even know what I want already. I feel like I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE. Why was I picked to be born?
Reading all those mangas and watching dramas, they're all lies that can never survive in the real world. For example, I watched Dream High 2 and JB said "I like you. Why? No reason.". How can you be sure you have no reason you like her? or why you like singing and dancing? Give me an answer. But I know it'll end up being NO REASON. How can someone have that strong of a passion and determination to like or even love something so strongly? I don't understand. My friends all have something that they're passionate about but me? I'm just lost. I don't know what I like, what I want, WHAT MY PASSION IS?.
It's torturing not to know what my own heart is saying. I tried once listening to my own heartbeat, lying down and breathing deeply. But I end up hearing voices of old memories, drumming against my eardrum and killing the sound of my heartbeat. What will I end up being into?
Why are there a lot of unanswered questions in my head?
Please help me.
Nadia Kiyoshi ♥
